Ramblings of a poor man

I never felt more free than when I realized that I am small, and can fit into any man’s hands, and can disappear in an instant. The declaration. Shouting to my own self: “You are nothing! Vanishing into the thin cold air.” I laugh. Oh the glory of being the only one and being nothing at all.

When she goes, don’t be surprised. There hasn’t been healing here yet. 

It’s going to be one of those nights that feel like i’m trapped between the folds of both freezing and scolding air. I pray that this time will be different. I pray for enlightenment and peace to come. 

I was better then.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Manchester Orchestra

Sufjan Stevens

Bon Iver

James Blake

As Cities Burn

Spend more one on one time with God before I let life’s busyness carry me away

Stop eating fast food

Love unconditionally 

Exercise at least three times a week

Follow my dreams

Don’t eat meat unless it’s local/caught by family or friends

Budget and save more/don’t spend on what I don’t need

Be thankful everyday

I thought that I was a lost cause because we were beaten so much for being good children. 

But then I realized that I finally have someone who can understand…

Someone who understands what it feels like and who felt it so much worse.

I don’t know why it didn’t hit when you asked the question: “Father, Father, why have you forsaken me?”

I have never experienced anything like this in my entire life. I guess this is what they mean by “being in love”. No lust, no infatuation. We are way past that. We are growing up, we are growing old, we are growing together. It’s what I have always dreamed of, but never believed to be possible. Thank you. 

…And you never even asked. You never even asked what was wrong. All of these years. Why are you so perfect? 

You had perfect parents. You never had sex outside of marriage. You never drank or did drugs. You never struggled with depression. Your family loved you very much. Of course you turned out alright. 

How could I ever relate? How can I possibly relate and pretend that everything is perfect. 

I don’t care about the “shoulds” and “should-nots” that you have pressed upon me in the past. Rules without reasoning. I need to know Jesus. I need to. I want to so badly. But the day that you pointed out everything that I was doing wrong, was the day I left the church. 

Remember when I admitted that there were knots that had to be undone? Everything that has hurt me and left me like untamed knotty hair. You said that I am doing better than I think. You said that I was doing well. Look at me now. I am fighting off lies and delusions by the thousands-day and night. 

It’s only that I have nothing to offer that I decided to move away. I like knowing that things are going wonderful for you, and that you have a new life with beautiful things happening. I guess the reason why I don’t come around much is because I’ve realized that you don’t need or want me, and I’ll only let you down. All of your good questions-Yeah, i’ve got em too. It hurts to have conversation. I bet you didn’t know that. I think you’re really beautiful. You all have beautiful souls, but I am sick, and I know I will ruin all that is good. I’ve done it before. Maybe i’m just too young and can’t see the whole picture just yet. But let’s face it. I’ve already lost all of you as friends, and I will never have friends like you for the remainder of my life. I will watch you, and congratulate you. I will sink into my own silence. 

What is Truth I do not know

the answer

Darling, if i am wrapped 

and coiled in darkness

would you please 

just let 

me be

for not one

single man 

came to the rescue

on those rigid

sharp

nights

a warm house to be in

food

Ryan

relatives

health

today

the way perfume smell

the way memories smell

seeing in color

a Loving existing God

Jesus’ expression and concern that He showed for all of us by dying on the cross

potential freedom

a future hope

clothing

Greenville

the hard times that have make me stronger

Snoopy

coffee

tea

the people who have been the most influential in my life (even though I don’t see them much anymore)